Just Like a Brother

16, 2006 november

Concern

Growing up, I happened to be always the guy that is“great with a “good heart” who reminded women I was interested in “of their brother,” and not much has changed. Am I sending off the signals that are wrong looking for a relationship, or have always been I misinterpreting the signals women send me? How long should I pursue a woman before the difference would be known by me between “just friends” and “more than just friends”? Am I looking for the wrong kinds of women? Or worse, am I just doomed to be everyone’s confidante and brother? Thanks, Kevin in Wichita, KS

Response

Thanks for your letter. We suspect there are millions of males who're coping with the same kind of problem. Society certainly does tend to give us signals that are mixed. Women will often say that they want a man who can communicate—a man who knows what’s going on inside him. Time and time again “kindness” is rated as the most important thing that females want in a mate.

On the other hand, men who are sensitive or soft often turn women off. And, ironically, one of the worst things a person can hear from a night out together is the fact that he’s a “nice guy.”

You’ve asked questions that are several but considering the problem you describe i really believe certainly one of two things is happening.

These women just don’t feel a powerful sense of chemistry with you.If you’ve been out with five women in the last five months and each has told you that they just want to be friends, it is likely that they just don’t feel a strong sense of chemistry and are searching for a nice way to end the relationship. I can appreciate your frustration, but in this scenario you’re not creating the problem. The best solution is to keep trying to your this dating internet site matches and remain positive.
You are, inadvertently, hampering a woman’s capability to see you as a love interest.This is a harder situation to resolve yourself and considering what signals you may be giving a woman because it involves examining. The first dates that are few share with a woman are VERY different from the others of one's relationship. This might be a period where both social people are “looking” for indications of what sort of relationship partner the other will be. Assumptions are being made with very little information, and you need to be aware how those assumptions perform into attraction.

What females look out for in a man
They are attracted to, I hear a few things over and over when I talk to women about the men. In the space of a few hours your date is watching you to definitely take to and discover if you are all these things:

Kind
Have a great sense of humor
Emotionally strong and stable
Confident

Self-confidence is frequently the quality that men overlook. I’m not speaking about an annoying swagger. This is a confidence that is quiet plays across your entire demeanor. Confident men are not overeager. They are kind, but don’t bend over backwards to prove their accessibility and desirability. They understand that early in a relationship you can find important boundaries and that being too desperate to please and needy is perceived badly by nearly all women.
Kevin, this can be complex stuff, because most women love a gentleman, but they want a gentleman who possess a sense of strength about who he his and what kind of relationship he wants. This leads me to your question about knowing the difference in a romantic relationship and “just friends” relationship. That is all about chemistry.

Let’s discuss chemistry
If you’re dating someone and you both share a strong sense of chemistry it won’t be long before you know it. Many women have a policy against kissing on the first date, but by the 2nd or third date a woman who may have a very good real attraction for you will probably want to kiss you. And if, by the date that is third you’ve spent some romantic time together and not yet had a kiss, it’s probably time to give it a try. If she is ’t . . if she is interested you’ll know, and . you’ll realize that as well.

By making a few tiny modifications to your ways you interact through the first few times, I’m confident that you’ll appear less as the “sweet guy who women want as a friend” that are best and more like a prospective intimate interest who are able to be a good friend.

You are wished by me the most effective,
Dr. Neil Clark Warren

CHEMISTRYDATING ATTRACTIONEXPERT ADVICEGOOD GUYUNDERSTANDING MIXED SIGNALS